I find monkeys, by and large, hilarious. But every so often, when I\'m reading about monkeys, I come across some that are impressive enough to make me a little bit ashamed of myself.
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I'm going to be honest, I'm quite easily amused. Cup and ball, low budget Balkan p*rn, heroin--it doesn't take much to keep me busy for hours. For that reason, I find monkeys, by and large, hilarious. But every so often, when I'm reading about monkeys, I come across some that are impressive enough to make me a little bit ashamed of myself. In an effort to pass some of that shame along, I've decided to focus this week's column on five of the most bizarrely impressive.Get Drunk for Free
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Totally puts out after two drinks
According to someone who actually gets monkeys drunk on purpose and calls it research, around 20 percent of monkeys will voluntarily drink enough to get drunk, and some of them will drink until they fall into a coma. Repeatedly. So basically, these monkeys figured out a way to do the exact same thing most humans do when they go away to college, only instead of threatening them with expulsion, the University footed the bill and called it Science.Steal Your sh*t
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Wait Tables
Yatchan and f*ckuchan are two macaques that work at the Kayabukiya Tavern in Japan waiting tables. They bring hot towels and drinks to customers and wear the same uniforms as the rest of the waitstaff. The two are tipped with boiled soya beans, meaning they can do the same job as any out-of-work actress, and are willing to happily do it for far less pay.
Hero
And nine months after they met, this guy was born
The monkey accompanied Stewart on missions, including parachute drops, tucked away in his jacket. She would pick out exotic fruits and berries that were safe to eat and help him avoid the ones that would make him sick. When Stewart and 14 other soldiers happened upon a watering hole after three days without a drop of water, they were about to slake their thirst when Bougie sprang into action, flinging poop and monkey curses at the men trying to fill canteens. Figuring something was up, someone had the sense to check the water, which had been poisoned. Hitler's plans had been thwarted by a monkey. "Nein!" I like to imagine him yelling from within his robotic suit of armor.
Monkeys? sh*t!Later, Stewart was in a foxhole when a shell exploded nearby, blinding him. Not content to let the Nazis win so easily, Bougie dug herself out and alerted other soldiers to Stewart's location so they could dig him out. Presumably once he'd been pulled free she chewed on a cigar stub for a while, then scalped a few Nazi captains.Stewart was sent home on a medical discharge and Bougie went with him, serving stateside as his seeing-eye monkey, and probably making his wife just a tiny bit jealous.
Artist
There's a high probability the monkey's dong was on here.
A famous quote attributed to one critic said, "Brassau paints with powerful strokes, but also with clear determination. His brush strokes twist with furious fastidiousness. Pierre is an artist who performs with the delicacy of a ballet dancer." This was, of course, comedy gold because Pierre was a four-year-old chimp named Peter.After it was revealed that the artist was a monkey, the critic who praised the monkey's work pointed out it was still the best stuff in the show. It would be 30 years before the modern art movement caught up with monkeys. Finally, in 1996, an artist named Chris Ofili painted the most controversial, and therefore successful, piece of modern art of the year using our monkey overlords' favored form of self expression: animal poop.Scroll down for the next article
